NObody KNowS the TrouBLE I SeEn......

Looking at the lives of others, particularly those closest to me, makes me appreciate mine at moments when I don’t feel lucky at all.

Right now, I’ve just moved into a new apartment,  I’m slowly acclimating, having some trouble with sleeping due to the clompity-clomp clomper upstairs.  I mean who the hell lives in an apartment building and walks all hours of the morning and night on a hard wood floor without any coverings…and by that I mean before 7am and after 11pm, in hard soled shoes.  A clueless self absorbed a-hole is who. 

So….it seems that this majour problem in my life, the only one really…..is minutia compared to what others around me are living.

Daniel,  a nice looking gay man, is in a very long term relationship with Tim.  But Tim is an alcoholic and an emotional mess.  Daniel often has escapades with much younger beautiful men, with discretion of course, but Tim knows that he does; he just doesn’t want to hear about it.  They are both in a constant state of denial and prefer things that way.  Daniel is my best friend, although I haven’t reached out to him since before my move.   We’ve been friends for 20 years, and we break off sometimes into our own worlds. We now live on separates coasts but when we reconnect it’s like there never was a break.   Tim cooks and cleans for Daniel AND lets him fool around with gorgeous men.   This is a problem?

Darla, a mom of four, married to a Muslim, actually converted for him, talks about leaving him; two of the four children are autistic.  Darla is bipolar, and medicates every single day. The hubby, Jay, is a stay at home dad who has dinner ready at her arrival and is amazing in bed. MY GOD, he sounds like the perfect husband, what is she complaining about?

Sonya, is an alcoholic mess. She has a female partner (one who thinks she is really a man, or at least in a man’s body) and on the side….she knowingly dates abusive substance using men and incessantly whines about her life.  She cries about being lonely; she has a son, 2 gorgeous grandkids, a man-she who takes care of her financially and lets her date outside of their relationship.  She should reconsider the choices in who she dates and quit the drinking and she’d be just fine! I want a man (OR a man-she) to take care of me financially. WHO DOESN’T? Lol.

And finally, Mary, married for 14 years, mother to an adorable imperious two year old, who is a frail split-end hair from divorce.  The husband, Brad, is “sick of her and wants out” by Spring, when the lease of their condo on the waterfront  runs out . She is terrified of being on her own and starting over at “her age”.   I’ll hold my tongue on this one but trust me I have an opinion.  I know Mary visits my blog....girl....chin up, better stuff is in the future. Don't hold on to the not so good stuff. okay?

I didn't make up any of the scenarios, nor embellished.  Well, the names I did yes.  I respect each of the people stated above, for their own choices, everyone has the right to live and walk their own path even it's right toward the quick sand. 

I am really not judging, I simply state the facts and ask....what exactly is your part in "all of this".  It occurrs to me that each has contributed substantially to their own predicaments.  I also think "all of this" crosses my mind because I do not want to live in my apartment anymore, and I haven’t even met the 30 day mark.  I usually follow the 30 day rule.  Make decisions after a 30 day trial. I simply will not live with noise. I will NOT adjust my schedule. I will NOT spend a cent to sound proof an apartment I do not own.  I will not struggle or fight with another tenant's ignorance, nor with an inefficient landlord. 

I’ve decided that I will move in the Spring, if not sooner.  I am thinking I will research first time home buying and find out about what sort of government grants are if i need one.  I think I want to buy a house, not a condo, next year.  This thing….renting….is for the birds.  Now that I've made that painful move, from a solid house with 5 rooms to a 2-room less-solid home, and have experienced that material things are truly meaningless...I can probably move every month.  This weekend I went thru some of the clothes, I am building a huge bag for goodwill.  I got rid of alot to move here, and I can now sift thru even further.  It is true, you get rid of the junk, and only then you can really see who, what and where you are.  I feel the same applies with emotional junk.  So only the things I truly love, that truly bring me joy, and truly enhance my experience in this world will remain with me to reside in the new home.  And perhaps in only this way I can TRULY make room for more things and persons of true substance. 

Someone expressed to me that they were surprised I hadn’t said anything to the woman upstairs.  Bottom line is, you can’t change stupid people, you cannot get thru to inconsiderate people…you have to just let them be and GET AWAY.  Get as far away from them as possible. From the boring, neglectful, or cheating husbands.  From the drugs and alcohol for escape.  From the self loathing, destruction and deprecation.  And most importantly from the clinging of fear to be who you really are, whatever that may be. 

So cry me a river everyone.  I’ll sail away on my small yacht.

Or you can count your blessings; that you have families, and people who do love you mixed in with a few who don’t. That you have friends and that you live in a country where almost anything is possible. Pull on the reins.  Take control.  I say this with love.

My hair dresser, Maria, she is Polish.  She mocks the Americans she knows or hears about for living such meager lives in this country.  She came here, has her own business and owns her own home.  She’s worked hard for what she has and is living the life she wants.  Why aren't we all?

Cause frankly, it’s all rather not interesting to not be. So there.

The eyeballs are two small paintings that I did at the School of Visual Arts years ago.  I remember the instructor well, but not his name.  This was the first time that I used acrylic in the manner of an oil paint.  I have placed them in the doorway to my living room from the mud room. And it made me chuckle and think about all the noise upstairs and all the noise around me in general, that has nothing to do with high heels. 

PEACE....within.